Debtective

Random acts of kindness to soldiers weekend

2008-07-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

I got a full plate this weekend, jack. Grill-outs, good times and great big explosions on the sky. But before I go in feet-first to all the fun ... just wanted to remind all you joes and jills out there that we got boys and girls overseas making all the fun and freedom possible. So I declare this RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS TO A SOLDIER WEEKEND.

Here' s a great chance to have some fun. When you're out this weekend; if you see anyone from the military, do something for them. Pick up their restaurant tab. Have your kid go up and salute them. Shake their hand and thank 'em, or buy them a Coke and a smile, see? If you do it, lemme know what you did, where, when and how. I want stories.

Til next week ...

Big love offer

2008-07-01T06:13:00.000-07:00

The real estate market in Florida ain't THAT bad! Some dame in the Sunshine State is having trouble selling her digs. She's asking a cool 340 grand, but since she ain't gettin' any offers, she decided to up the ante. For half a million, you get the home and the hottie. That's right, joes and jills ... this big love offer includes 2,000 square feet of happily ever after.

Bless her heart, I hope she finds a prince charming with pockets to match. Sure, she's more eye candy than if Willy Wonka became an optometrist, but I gotta think this deal will make the first date kind of awkward. Hope she doesn't put the deed next to the dinner bill and you sign the wrong one.

Just a reminder, as long as the subject's up: You can't buy the best things in life. There are different ways to get your kicks; be it a date with a knockout or knocking out your debt. But the stuff that really means something doesn't have a receipt or appraisal attached to it. Remember that on your next anniversary.

Special Forces unit

2008-06-30T08:34:00.000-07:00

I was 6 figures in the hole when I started my total money makeover, baby. I had a mountain to climb and nothing but my bare hands to do it with. I thought I had it rough. Then I log on this morning and read about Ivan Castro. This Special Forces unit joe got tagged with a mortar shell in September 2006. When he woke up 6 weeks later in a hospital, he was blind.

But guess what? He's right back in the mix, preparing for missions. He works out, ran the Boston marathon earlier this year and is shooting for the Ironman triathlon in Hawaii, all the while he's making plans to graduate from the Army's officer advanced course.

Don't tell me you can't overcome whatever junk you've got going on in your life or debt, jack. If this guy can take a hit like this and get right back out there, you can get a part-time job throwing pizzas to deep-six your debt. Quit your whining and start your winning. Be all you can be, baby.

Countrywide

2008-06-27T07:12:00.000-07:00

Things are looking pretty narrow for Countrywide, jack. Now that Bank of America (BOA for short, and yeah ... it's appropriate that the bank acronym is a kind of snake) has bought out Countrywide, they are giving the ax to 7,500 of CW's staff. It’s just about the final nail in the coffin, and all because they were loaning a bunch of dough to subprime borrowers. Before you know it, their whole deal blew apart like a house of cards in a windstorm.

Debt can bring down even the billion-dollar companies, baby. It's like a bunch of anchors on a sailboat ... too much of either one will sink you. Debt may give you a quick taste of the "good life", but then it bites you in the backside 10 times as hard. Think I'm full of it? Ask Countrywide. Think I'm wrong? Try it yourself.

Stay away from debt. It brings problems, not prosperity. Catch you on Monday, suckers.

Zimbabwe elections

2008-06-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

Some joes just don't know when to call it quits. Exhibit A is in Z-country. As in the Zimbabwe elections. Current prez Robert Mugabe is pushing 85 and still going as the head honcho, but the problem is that he's throwing his weight around and scaring off the competition at gunpoint. His chief rival, Morgan Tsvamgirai, says Mugabe has been beating his supporters and running people off. Vote can't work, see?

Doing things a certain way and having nothing but a wreck to show for it. Sound like your money situation? I'm not being trivial about the violence, jack ... I'm pointing out how there needs to be a change in a bad situation if good things are gonna happen. Mug's mug doesn't need to be showing itself around there anymore. Time to move on to better things.

If you're doing the iron fist routine at your house and insisting that it be your way or the highway, then maybe someone needs to run YOU out of town, bub. There's only one guy who needs to run the whole show, and His name ain't you. Get with your other half, get a budget going and work together. Capiche?

George Carlin quote

2008-06-23T07:51:00.000-07:00

I quote George Carlin - "The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept." I'm laughing a little less this morning because old GC got fitted for a pine overcoat this weekend at age 71. He had more quickfire sayings than most, and just about all of them can't be punched in on my family-style blog, baby. Tough luck.

Sure, Carlin was edgier than a high-strung salesman at the end of the month who's short on sales and long on caffeine. But me being me, I decided to put a spin on his quote. The answers really are up to you. Either way, whether you say I can or I can't ... you're right.

So which one are you gonna do? When you see something that you like or want, are you gonna listen to all the stiffs who say you can't get it? I don't care if you talk yourself up or talk yourself into it, but get fired up about getting something done. Thicken up that skin, toughen up that resolve, and burn down anything in your way. Got a problem with that?

Pregnant

2008-06-20T07:01:00.000-07:00

This one was a stupid tax that didn't cost any dough ... just a whole lotta life. Seems a dozen and a half dames at Gloucester High School made a pact with each other to get pregnant so they could all raise the kids together. None of them are over 16. These babes a for a rude awakening ... at about 2 a.m., complete with a diaper-filled surprise.

I shouldn't joke. This is a sad thing, when you consider that the school principal said these girls lack self-esteem and a lot of love in their lives. They feel like this is the way to belong to something and have something to take care of. Maybe baby-sitting is a good way to kill an afternoon and make a couple of bucks, but these chicks have no idea what they're in for.

Keep an eye on your kids ... every last one of you that has one and is reading this. The second you short-change your kid for love and attention, the second they get down on themselves and start diving into the stupid pool. You put the family first and don't look back, jack. Find out what they're doing. Encourage them if it's right. Bust 'em if it's wrong. Love 'em til you die.

Paycheck

2008-06-13T08:25:00.000-07:00

Start 'em early, and keep 'em there often. When kids start learning about how the dough works, it's like taking Instant Responsibility powder and adding water. It was a barrel of fun to be surfing around this morning and stumble on the story of this school in DC that's offering a paycheck to each kid who makes the grade, keeps their attitude in check and does the homework.

Kids who know how to make and spend their own grease are a lot more savvy than a kid who just takes a dollar from daddy and drops in the church collection basket, see? Kids KNOW they've worked for money when they finished cleaning their room and get their cash handed to them. They take a boatload of pride in giving to charity when they earned it. They'll be careful in spending and deliberate in saving when they are going for that G.I Joe with the kung-fu grip.

Don't be afraid to make your kids work and have them on commission. Not boot camp ... just work and earn. Isn't that how the real world works?

Royal Family

2008-06-11T05:57:00.000-07:00

Me and Dave Ramsey teach you to pay your bills, no matter how past due they are. And you don't get much later than this, baby. Try 350 years late ... and the folks who were behind on their bills are none other than the Royal Family.

That's right, jack. The clan headed up by Queen Elizabeth II of England and Prince Charles just settled up with some company that made uniforms for the king's troops in 1651. The final tab came to a shade over 453 pounds (about 885 in cold, hard American cash), but the Royals stiffed the clothing company (I can see it now ... Ye Olde GAP) until now. They just paid in full, but didn't get back-charged for the interest, which is a lot more than I can say for your average joe who gets a big-screen for 90 days same-as-cash and misses the payoff date.

Just goes to show, joe ... when you get into debt, the collectors will find you. If this bill was any older, Monty Python would try to collect it on his way to find the Holy Grail. If you have old debt, it's down but not out. Get on a monthly budget and get control of your cash, then sink your past dues one by one. Right!

Gas prices

2008-06-09T06:12:00.000-07:00

OK, this puts us at threat level: midnight. I'm not doing the Chicken Little thing; it's just my usual budget reminder, baby. Crude hit 139 bucks a barrel, gas prices hit $4 a gallon over the weekend, and it's hitting us where we hurt.

What I'm about to say is more twisted than a high school nerd's shorts after running into the football bully near the goalpost, but this might actually be a GOOD thing for most joes and jills out there. With gas prices being higher than a helium-filled Space Shuttle, it's the first time most people have looked at their checkbooks in a loooooooong while.

If that's what it takes to get people to pay attention, then have at it. If they cut out the morning latte to afford gas, then they'll start thinking about what else they can trim to get ahead. Carpooling. Coupons. Run around the block instead of paying $100 to do it on a health club treadmill. Think about what you REALLY need each day. If you can get by without it, then deep-six it so you can do some debt reduction. Once you're debt free and want some of the fun stuff back, then we'll talk.

Clinton Obama

2008-06-06T08:53:00.000-07:00

I'm sure some joes and jills out there right now are saying "first, there was sliced bread. Now, Clinton Obama!" Might as well call them Clobama ... all celebrity couples have the unified name. And speaking of unified, word is that these two want to do just that and punch a one-way, one-two ticket to the White House in November.

Do you know how much these two will help you solve your prob - THEY WON'T!!! I don't care if it's Clobama, ObaMcCain, McClinton, or Ed McMahon showing up at your door with one of those oversized checks ... your stuff will get better when you learn how to get control of your dough. You wouldn't say your lawn is gonna look better when Home Depot's stock goes up, so why do you think your money troubles will get better when stiffsuits get stuck in office?

Somebody who tightens up their budget and saves a thousand bucks in one month will be in better shape than some yahoo who spends a month sitting on his hands, thinking that Washington is going to get some business going for him. As far as taking care of you and yours goes, step up and start it up.

Ed McMahon

2008-06-05T05:50:00.000-07:00

Looks like Ed McMahon needs his own $10 million lottery jackpot, jack. The word is out that Mr. American Family Publisher sweepstakes, Carson sidekick, Star Search host is down $644,000 in mortgage payments on his Beverly Hills digs. Worse still, he's headed straight for foreclosure if he doesn't produce the cash soon.

I know, I know ... I got the same finger-in-a-light socket shock when I read it, too. Sure, Mac's been down on his luck. He hasn't worked in a while, even broke his neck a year and a half ago. But there's more to it than that. Even though he made gobs of dough over his career, he still made the dumb goof of tapping into his house equity and taking out loans.

Just because you make lots of money doesn't mean you're safe. You could make a ton and still owe a ton and a half. If you ain't got debt, then the only joe who's gonna come knocking at your door looking for money is the pizza man. Would you want to deal with all this junk when you're 85 years old? Didn't think so ... so stay away from borrowing, because that puts you there. I'm out.

Bad marriage

2008-06-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

I've gone out with a few dames in my day, and I'm all about dinner and a movie. But the right one hasn't come along. And for a guy pushing 40, I'm about average. At least that's the trend. Word is out that most joes are steering clear of tying the noose ... er, knot ... because they don't want to get mixed up with the wrong babe, baby.

The more you stop and think about that one, the more sense it makes. Even if you're feeling lonely and singing the blues, you don't really come out ahead by trading that for a bad marriage where your partner gets on your nerves. And don't give me any fuss about "at least you've got someone". I've been in bad relationships. Without one, at least you don't have to fight over the remote.

You gotta find the way that works for you. Flying solo or going the DeBeers route. Choosing the right job. Doing the debt reduction thing.

Notice that I didn't give any options on that last one. Wanna know why? Because going into debt for a set of wheels or carrying a credit card balance doesn't work best for anyone. If you owe dough to someone, then they are bankrolling you. They own you. Talk about a bad relationship!

Pray

2008-05-27T06:23:00.000-07:00

Looks like God really WAS the co-pilot on this gig. I don't care if you believe in The Big Guy or not; this one will put a smile on your mug. A couple of pilots in New Zealand were up in the air when their plane decided to kick that pesky fuel addiction it was having.

When they saw the ocean below, they prayed to the skies above. They asked for a safe landing, and out of nowhere popped an airfield on the other side of the ridge they were crossing. If that wasn't enough, Jesus put his stamp on the whole deal. The fliers came to rest right next to a 20-foot sign that read "Jesus is Lord - The Bible". Game, set, match.

It may not be as life or death as this, but you may be running on empty and about to crash. Could be with money, with life, with your other half ... pick your poison. Don't lose hope, see? The only difference between quitting and plugging away is that plugging away will get you somewhere. This crazy life is a journey, so don't stop believin'. Hope is just around the corner ... or over the ridge.

Florida beaches

2008-05-23T06:48:00.000-07:00

Few things in life sound as sweet as a trip to one of the Florida beaches. Sitting there, letting the sound of the waves put you to sleep, a cold drink by your side, the sun cooking you to a nice golden brown. Makes me want to make a beeline for Caladesi Island in Florida.

Why that one? Some joe at Florida International University (where else?) picked the beach as the best in the country this year, beating out the dunes in Cali, Hawaii and the rest of the Eastern Seaboard. I've always had a soft spot in my ticker for the beach. I think The Man Upstairs put an extra bit of fairy dust on those parts of the world when he threw 'em together.

Work with me here for a sec, jack. Picture being away from your everyday life. Imagine lounging on this beach with your family, like you own the place. Almost like you're in a dream. The waves sing you to sleep. The world is a million miles away. Feel like you've made it. It's like nothing else, baby.

THAT'S what it feels like to take a vacation with no debt. The only part of the trip that follows you home is the pics of your kids playing in the surf. You can get there. You can make it happen. Get out of debt and save your dough. The most beautiful beach is waiting for you.

NFL quarterbacks

2008-05-22T07:14:00.000-07:00

The list of hotshot NFL quarterbacks making big-time bucks grew one more this week when Matt Ryan, fresh off being the Number 3 pick in the draft, inked a 6-year deal with the Atlanta Falcons worth 72 million smackers. I mean, I'm doing all right for myself ... but even I can't picture waking up with that much dough. This kid can have his cake, eat it and go back for seconds, too.

Remember this, ladies and germs: Ryan is at the top of the roller coaster. From here on out it's a glorious ride, but it's what he takes and DOES WITH IT that's gonna matter. He's got a great opportunity in front of him. But if he isn't smart with the money and the hard work that goes into making up his career, he'll end up sputtering out like a '28 Ford that's run out of gas on the side of the road.

Every day that you wake up, you've got a shot at something great. Today's the day, jack. If you think you're settling for second best, then light a fire under your keester and get-a-goin'. Quit working a dead-end job if you hate it and go for something better. Stop bankrolling Visa and deep-six your credit card debt. Better that you have your money than them. DO ... IT ... NOW!

Hamburgers

2008-05-21T08:15:00.000-07:00

From Girl Scout cookies to Oreos to the priciest patty around. I think I got some serious munchy issues, jack. Of course, even if I did, I wouldn't plunk down 175 smackers to buy one of these super-expensive hamburgers. Have you seen this? They offer them at some big-shot burger joint in the Big Apple. Take a Kobe slab of beef, throw some truffles wild mushrooms, top it off with some gold leaf and voila ... a meal fit for a sucker.

You can wash it down with the $3,000 margarita from the Wynn Las Vegas that I saw in the Food Network a few weeks back. I haven't seen that much dough spent on a meal since my uncle "Fat Tony" came to visit me last Thanksgiving and brought his 12 best buddies.

Don't know why you'd want to spend that much grease on a burger, but if you got the cash, then have at it. But don't let me catch you downing one of these babies if you have a student loan or some big-time credit card debt. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm headed over to Burger Bomb. I've got a hankering for a half-pounder.

Oreos

2008-05-19T07:30:00.000-07:00

Homer Simpson would have a field day with this one, jack. Mmmmm, Oreos. As in 14 tons of 'em; spilled over an interstate this morning about 50 miles south of Chicago when the truck driver carrying them fell asleep at the wheel and said 'how do you do' to the concrete medium.

Betcha the cleanup effort was the quickest of all time. I mean, seriously ... who wouldn't want to pitch in to clean up all that chocolatey goodness? If a milk truck drove by, we'd have ourselves a sweet tailgate, baby.

This is an obscure one, but try to keep up. Lots of people (including yours truly) joke about something good that is really just a pain in the neck. The Great Oreo Spill of '08 may make a couple of late night monologues, but for the people behind the truck, the trucking company and the cleanup crew, it's like sitting on a tack.

Lots of times, something that's seems like a great thing is just the opposite. Remember that when the credit card companies show up on your TV pitching low interest rates or jazz like that. It ain't worth it. Use cash. Capiche?

Girl Scout cookies

2008-05-15T06:24:00.000-07:00

I love the whole underdog, never-say-die, little-engine-that-could routine. And I found all 3 this morning in the form of 15-year-old Girl Scout Jennifer Sharpe. There's no official record on the books, but odds are that JS smashed it by selling 17,328 boxes of Girl Scout cookies.

Impossible? No way. Hard as a rock to do? You betcha. This girl set up shop on a street corner with her mom. She was shy at first and had some coming-out-of-the-shell issues. But as soon as she got past her fear, the cookies were flying off the shelf. She just worked unbelievably hard and didn't quit. Now she's a national deal with her name in the papers.

That kind of effort and attitude will get you what you want. If you want something like a new job or out of debt, then put in the extra hours and make it happen. It ain't fun, but it ain't long-term either. The sooner you hustle, the sooner things will start to flow. And don't give me any of that jazz about how it was easier for Jenn because "she's just a Girl Scout". There are still 24 hours in her day, and she goes to school for 8 of 'em. She made it work ... can you?

Myanmar

2008-05-13T06:03:00.000-07:00

It's a cryin' shame when bad people decide to mix up their business in good things. I checked the wire this morning and the word is that the food and supplies aimed at helping the cyclone victims in Myanmar aren't getting to them. Could be incompetence, could be hoarding by the Myanmar military. Point being, it's meant to go from A to C and never made it past B, see?

This is one of the hardest things to explain, because I know that people who read junk like this end up not wanting to give. Not just here, but at their church and in their hometowns too. When you hear about your goodwill being taken advantage of, it sours the sweetness of giving. I know ... happened to me plenty of times.

Here's the lesson to learn. When you want to give around here, do the due. As in due diligence, baby. Find out about the place you're giving to. Check out what purpose they serve. How they handle donated dough. How much overhead. If you've been blessed with some moolah, then be smart about how it's used.

New baby

2008-05-12T06:12:00.000-07:00

Back online, and back in action, baby. I'm pumped up higher than the gas prices, for 2 reasons. First up, I'm back to blogging about blowing away debt ... it's what gets my juices flowing. When you have a job you love, you can't wait to beat the rush-hour traffic to the office each morning. Nothing like it.

The second reason is even bigger. I've been off because a buddy of mine and his dame just popped out a 7 lb. 9 oz bouncing new baby boy. You should've seen the look in daddy's eyes. You would have thought an angel came to live in their spare bedroom. Come to think of it, one did.

This kid's gonna have a great life, if for nothing else because mommy and daddy are going to teach him how to do it for himself. This joe deep-sixed his consumer debt a long time ago and swore off paying for anything with credit. His wife is on board, and that's what they're going to teach their son.

This kid will work for the pie in the sky, and he's gonna get it someday. Just because his parents cared to make it happen for him. Follow suit with your own, bub. Teach the tykes to live on less than they make, and the bang you hear will be the debt chains falling from your family tree.

Gasoline price

2008-04-29T07:24:00.000-07:00

I remember when the gasoline price was 32 cents a gallon. Nowadays, that won't even pay for the effort to take the handle off the pump, bub. Truth be told, if the price gets any higher, you'll have to pay for the gas by leaving the car at the station. Now, the word on the street is that people are buying their next set of wheels based on what kind of mileage it gets.

When the pressure gets turned up, you need to do what it takes to keep from getting sunk by debt. I'm not talking about ditching a nice used car and buying a brand-spanking new boiler to save 5 bucks a week at the pump. That's stupid. I'm talking about looking at the storm that's coming and looking for ways to keep from getting soaked.

If you know the gasoline price might crunch you, then check out carpooling. If your food bill makes you want to upchuck, then start clipping coupons. Shocked when you open your electric bill? Then turn the thermostat down a couple of degrees. Making the sacrifices now will put the smile on your face later when you win ... and you'll win big, baby.

Marathon training

2008-04-28T07:44:00.000-07:00

So there I am, jack. Running alongside 29,999 of my closest friends at the Country Music Marathon and 1/2 Marathon this past Saturday in Nashville. Sure, you may not think of me as the type that keeps in shape, but I could show you a thing or two about pounding the pavement for a few miles.

Anyway, all around me I'm seeing the young and the old, the black and the white, the fat and the thin, the dudes and the dames. Different types all with the same theme ... effort. It's no picnic to run 26.2 miles, and even half that takes a full effort. But all these joes and jills were pushing it to the limit, wanting to make themselves better, see? It wasn't easy, but it didn't need to be. That's what made it worth it to finish.

It wasn't just the marathon, it was the months of marathon training leading up to it. It's not just getting out of debt, it's the way it changes you, and how you only have to do it once. Never give up, and always keep plugging away at your problem. Eventually, it goes down and you rise up. Fight the good fight. Finish the race. Keep the faith.

FICO score

2008-04-23T06:17:00.000-07:00

...

...

Sorry, just had to shake my head for a second. Check this out, and you'll see why.

The numbers say that about 50 million Red, White and Bluers don't have a credit history. So what does Fair Isaac, the creator of the FICO score, do when it hears that? It puts up a new scoring system to help people having a tough time getting credit ... to get credit. It's gets its information from your record at payday loan lenders, rent-to-own companies and places that blacklist you for writing bad checks. That's pleasant, ain't it?

They call it the FICO expansion score, which is credit talk for "there's still a little more blood we can suck out of this one." Here's a tip for the ones who are into the whole payday loan company deal, and who bounce checks like a basketball team ... THE CREDIT THING AIN'T WORKIN' FOR YOU! What will work is living on less than you make.

If you wanna sink yourself, then tie an anchor around your neck and hit the high seas. The longer you fool around with a FICO score, the more trouble you're gonna get into.

Don't tell me that you're going to do things differently this time. The fact that you're getting into this jazz is what's bad. Live on cash ... bottom line. And speaking of the bottom line, if you're using cash, it won't be red.

Outer space

2008-04-22T08:20:00.000-07:00

I wish I'd have been there, baby. Hearing one of the great minds of our time (the one and only Stephen Hawking) talk about life in outer space and on other planets at George Washington U yesterday. The whole gig was set up in honor of NASA's golden anniversary. It was funny to hear the Hawk talk about alien abduction and hi-tech weapons. I half expected Scotty to pop out and yell "Ahm gevin' 'er ahl ah got ... but ahm stehl losin' pouwer, Captain!"

Odds are there's life out there, Hawking says, but it's unintelligent. The lab boys always say that. I prefer "dumber than a bag of hammers". I don't know ... it's just got more punch to it, see?

Anyway, what am I saying? We don't need to go to other planets to find unintelligent life ... we got it stockpiled right here. You get the offers in the mail every day for credit cards. You pass by some nickel-and-dime payday loan company on your way to work. Any yahoo who thinks you need jazz like this to get ahead with the dough has a PhD in D-U-M-B.

If you owe cash to people, you can't save it or invest it. Last time I looked, people with money keep money instead of forking it over. Dig?