Debtective

Good times in the marriage

2009-03-11T13:21:00.000-07:00

I'm lookin' forward to the weekend, baby. Not because I get to cop some extra Zs or that there's a great Jimmy Stewart flick playing on the tube. I'm flashin' a smile because I'm heading to a surprise party for a couple of friends of mine. They're celebrating 5 years of tying the knot. Whenever I'm shootin' the breeze with the dame's hubby, he can't zip his lip about her. Even in these "down" times, things are looking up for them.

Wanna know why? Because they listen to each other. They work together. They give before getting, see? They ain't sitting at home complaining about a bunch of bills because they don't have any. His career's on the upswing while she gets to stay at home with the kid. They can do that because they 86'd their debt and know when to say "no".

To the rest of this crazy world. To them, it's a bunch of noise that goes away as soon as they flick off the TV. If things ain't smooth sailing with you and your other, now's the time to calm things down. Sit down, talk it out, work it out, write it out and start working together. You won't believe the difference, bub.

Balanced state budget

2009-02-20T08:15:00.000-08:00

OK, Sunshine State ... things ain't lookin' so stormy now. You can breathe. Mr. Governator himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is about to sign the balanced state budget and get things chugging again on the West Coast. Sure, the government's about as able to stick to the budget as a greased earthworm on a newly-waxed floor, but at least they tried.

I remember the bad ol' days when I was going broke, baby ... before I started making my own budget. Too much month left at the end of the dough. I felt like I'd been given a raw deal. Creditors and predators chasing after me. One time, I even had to go commando for a few days when my washing machine broke. I tell you, I thought I was at the end of days and I was running, man.

But just sticking to the numbers got me through. When you know how to spend the cash, and follow it, it's like a flashlight when the power goes out. It shows you exactly what to do. Get with it, jack.

Dave Ramsey pickup lines, part 2

2009-02-12T07:03:00.000-08:00

Smell those roses? Taste that chocolate? That's right, baby ... Valentine's Day is here again. And seeing as how they're free, you don't get any more bang for the buck than with some Dave Ramsey pickup lines. Use 'em with caution, jack.

You look familiar ... didn't I deliver a pizza to you last week?

You're so hot you could melt my debt snowball.

Good thing I have identity theft insurance, because you stole my heart!

Call me your mutual fund, honey ... 'cause with you, I'm showing interest.

Are you unpaid credit card debt? Because you have got FINE written all over you!

If you turn me down, my life will look like a country song.

Broken heart? Well, there's a great place to go when your heart is broke ... out with me.

When I saw you, my jaw dropped like the value of a new car.

You should be my retirement plan ... you'd put the "OK" in my 401k.

You look so good, I could sell you on eBay!

New stimulus package

2009-01-30T07:09:00.000-08:00

I just about pasted the floor with my jaw this morning, jack. Hundreds of billions of bailout bucks are being dished out by the feds with this new stimulus package, and everybody wants a piece of the action. Well, almost everyone.

Check this out, baby ... a bunch of the local banks that applied for bailout money are putting crime scene tape around the dough and staying away. Why, you ask? Because there are more strings attached to it than a puppet show with kites. The DC stiffsuits are going to own those banks and then some. We're talking about owning stock, cutting shareholder dividends, the works.

You know something's up when even the banks are backing away from Big Brother. To them, this deal is as sweet as sucking a lemon. If these banks can solve their problems without looking for help from a leech, so can you. Get on a budget, deep-six that debt and watch the suckers on TV deal with all the trouble. Because by then, you'll be smooth sailing.

2009

2009-01-02T12:47:00.000-08:00

Off with a bang, baby. 2009 is polished up, on the showroom floor and ready for a test drive. I was making up my resolutions for this year last night, and something didn't feel right. Couldn't put my finger on it. Then out of nowhere, it hit me like a pistol whip from my buddy's uncle Vinny. The real winners make GOALS, not resolutions.

Resolutions fizzle out like a car that runs out of gas. As soon as we get through January and close to Valentine's Day, a New Year's resolution is left in the dust. That ain't gonna be me, jack. When DT sets a goal, it's set in stone and gets done.

Try this in '09 ... figure out the GOAL you want to hit by year's end. Don't just commit to lose the pesky 20 pounds or get out of debt. Do that stuff and more. Read some books, spend more time with the partner and kids, give more dough and what not. Then break it down by months, and then weeks, then days. Figure out what you need to do TODAY. Anybody can fight the battles of one day, no matter where the fight is. Make 2009 count. Til Monday, I'm out.

Gambling addiction

2008-12-16T08:43:00.000-08:00

The odds tell me Harry Kakavas wouldn't be suing if he had taken the house. As it is, Mr. Hole-In-The-Pockets here is fitting one of the biggest casinos in Australia for a lawsuit because he thinks the bigwigs there knew he was a gambing junkie and still targeted him to come and do business at their carpet joint.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say this joe has a gambling addiction that could put every Vegas crap shooter in the cellar. What makes me say that? The fact that he plunked down and lost about 24 million in cold, hard, U.S. cash over 14 months. I guess this guy put the "under" in Down Under.

Turns out that Kakavas had been banned from every joint on the continent. I didn't hear about him trying to get help with this "issue" of his, either. He's trying to blame someone else for the hole he's in. That's why this story of his is in the "Odd News" section. He's a laughing stock, baby. That's what happens when you point the finger anywhere but the mirror. If you're in the soup, do you think you have what it takes to get yourself out? Then quit wasting time and get a move on. A better life's waiting on you.

United States Marine

2008-11-20T08:22:00.000-08:00

Somebody needs to buy this bo a beer, baby. But even then, he probably wouldn't chug it, because he's now a United States Marine. Check this. Ulysses Milana wanted to become one of the few and the proud. But when a few good men took a look at him, they told him that he needed to drop a Backstreet Boy off his 330-pound frame before he could suit up.

He could've gone home, fired up the TV and watched some American Idol reruns. He could have gone to the store and stocked up on chips and salsa. But you know what he did? He got on a diet, started exercising, cut out the brews and burgers, and bada-bing, bada boom ... he's in shape and ready to serve his country after bumping off 140 pounds. And he doesn't need to be thanking NutriSystem or anybody else. Just himself and The Man Upstairs.

Not getting your act together? Shut up and do it. You got no excuse.

Tackle the economy

2008-11-12T06:35:00.000-08:00

Time to tackle the economy. As it turns out, that's what most joes and jills think that Obama will be able to fix. A tall, frosty 72 percent of people polled are confident that Mr. BO will be able to pick the economy up, dust it off and make it head for higher ground.

Here's another stat for you, jack ... 5 out of 4 people can't do math. When did Washington fix anything? On top of that, how does YOUR deal get better if some bub that you never met 1,500 miles away gets a tax credit on his small business? Forget about being president 44 ... it'll be until president 392 before DC gets anything D-O-N-E.

Only economy you need to get a handle on is the one where the mail is addressed to you. Let the newsboys scream and cry about how Wall Street is taking a nose dive into an empty pool. Once you have no debt and a big wad of cash saved up, none of that's gonna matter, baby. Wait ... it doesn't matter now. Get the point?

Circuit City

2008-11-10T09:29:00.000-08:00

Might as well call it short-Circuit City, baby. Check this out ... the city of circuits is over a barrel with a bunch of its suppliers. They owe big-time dough to some little joes like Hewlett-Packard, Sony, Samsung, Toshiba, Nikon and a half-dozen others.

So what happens? Those guys threaten to play hardball and put the squeeze on CC, withholding their products until they pony up the dough. Circuit City's in a mess, and they had to file Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection just to keep their heads above water during December and not sink with the cement shoes they fit themselves with by using debt.

If they don't have debt, they don't get up to their wall sockets in trouble, jack. Sure, they say they're gonna stay open during the holidays, but companies don't file BK when things are rosy. If they operate with cash, then they'll have more green than a field full of Christmas trees. Learn from it, jack.

Rock the vote

2008-10-31T06:12:00.000-07:00

Here it is, baby ... 5 days til D-Day. D for Democracy. Sure, all the others will talk about Halloween, candy and suckers for the little suckers, and how many Heath Ledger Joker getups we'll see at parties tonight. And who doesn't like that once in a while? But for my money, the only thing that'll scare me is people not caring enough to vote.

And here's why I'm all about rock the vote ... the newsboys are saying that 1 out of every 7 voters still hasn't made up their mind about who to put in the White House. It's good that they're thinking. You vote because you know what the deal is with your candidate, jack. Vote for the sucker who does what you tell him or her to do. Remember, they work for you anyway.

And that's only half the puzzle. As soon as you elect 'em, forget about 'em. As in, don't think they'll solve your problems. Get back to business and get out of debt.

How much to tip

2008-10-22T08:05:00.000-07:00

I got it last night, bub ... first-class service at one of my favorite diners. I tell ya, this dame was all over the joint. My glass never got half empty. She brought me extra napkins before I ever asked for 'em. The grub came quick and hot, and she was all smiles when she brought it.

Know what that's called? Great service. Know what that gets? A tip that was probably bigger than any other she got on her shift. Know why I can? Because I bothered to get out of debt, so I don't have to skimp on spreading the wealth when I feel like someone's earned it. It was more fun than chowing down on the parmesan fries.

And I'll bet you dollars to donuts that when I go back in there next week and that dollface sees me, she'll remember my mug. And I'll get top-notch service again. It all comes full circle.

The Warren Buffett way

2008-10-10T06:19:00.000-07:00

Time for a quick hit, baby. I was just surfing when I crashed into this little number of a story. Seems the Warren Buffett way of investing is a pretty good way. Word on the street is that duba-duba-WB just overtook the top spot on the Forbes top 400 list as the richest American. Added a cool 8 billion to his net worth, see? But don't get fooled ... WE'RE IN A RECESSION AND WE'RE ALL GOIN' DOWN (snicker)!!!

Know why Buffett is feasting on the riches? Because he still invests when things turn south. The market's on sale, and he's buyin' wholesale. He doesn't get freaked out when he turns on the 6 o'clock news. When it comes to investing; think long term, look for a proven mutual fund track record, and don't jump ship at the first sign of trouble.

I'm out, bub.

Commercial bank

2008-10-09T06:02:00.000-07:00

Looks like we're puttin' some "red" into the Red, White and Blue, baby ... and yours truly is pretty heated about it. I just about hit the roof this morning when I saw that Uncle Sam is thinking about taking ownership stakes in a bunch of commercial banks to deal with the whole credit meltdown. Looks like the government is rushin' to do this, and they ain't stallin'.

All right ... service announcement for the day. Any yahoos who voted for this whole bailout package should get the axe. When it comes time to vote in November, get the stiffsuits who voted "yea" out on their As, if you know what I mean. If the government keeps up with this routine, it's gonna be bad for all of us, see?

See what happens when you count on Washington to solve your problems, jack? They're just gonna make it worse by getting their grubby little hands all over it. You fix you, just like Dave said on his blog a few days ago. Check it out. Vote. Save. Take care of your own stuff, baby.

Nicole Kidman news

2008-09-11T09:56:00.000-07:00

It's no secret that I get a kick when a fat paycheck comes my way. I see it as soup for the homeless, steak for myself and security for my nieces and nephews when I leave it to 'em in my will. But I make sure to earn my dough ... and from what the numbers boys are telling me, the dame from Down Under doesn't need to make as much as she does.

The latest Nicole Kidman news is that NK is tops on the list of least bankable movie stars. Looks like her flicks only pull down a buck for every dollar she makes to make the movie. Match that up against someone like Matt Damon, who generated $27 in ticket sales for every clam he captured. Game, set, match ... mate.

Don't get me wrong ... Nicole's accomplished as all-get-out, and she ain't too hard on the baby blues. But for my money, I don't ever want some joe to say I ain't bankable. You want everyone to know they can rely on you, baby. Work hard, stay on the up-and-up, and produce.

Be brave

2008-09-04T08:12:00.000-07:00

Bogart wasn't on. The Office doesn't premiere for 3 weeks. I already finished my latest budget and book, so I was flipping channels last night. Good thing, too. I came upon the Republican National Convention, baby. Not that I'm much for the stiffsuits in DC. But I'm all about attitude, and Sarah Palin served up a double dip of it last night.

All the buzz this morning is how SP dazzled the GOPs at the convention last night. Granted, when you get down to it, it's all smoke and mirrors from both sides. Washington is gonna solve about as many of your problems as a lactose-intolerant milkman. What I loved was the attitude. It's the kind you need to have to deep-six your debt. When Visa pushes you, you push back. You gotta thump yourself to keep yourself in line with the budget. Don't be afraid.

This ain't a plug for the elephants or the donkeys. It's about having the guts to be brave enough to stare down that mug you see in the mirror, then go after what you want. Once you get yourself in line, look out.

College football

2008-08-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

At long last ... time to hit the turf. Nothing ... and I mean, NOTHING ... gets my ticker thumpin' like when pigskin season rolls around at the college level. A bunch of games kick off tonight. Vandy-Miami of Ohio. South Carolina-N.C. State. Wake Forest-Baylor.

What's that? Those names not big time enough for you? Well, they don't need to be. College football beats the heck out of pro, and I'll go toe-to-toe with any joe who says otherwise. They play for the love of the game, not some $14 million contract that needs to be re-negotiated as soon as some receiver has one big game.

See the way those guys attack the ball? That's how you need to attack your debt. If some fourth-stringer who’s been warming the bench all year wants it bad enough, he can get into the game and become the hero. So don't whine to me about how you might have to take a pizza-throwing job for a while. It ain't like it'll break your leg to do it. Show you're tough. Show your stuff. Deep-six your debt. Rah rah, sucker.

It's a miracle

2008-08-21T05:53:00.000-07:00

I started to get "E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial" back-from-the-dead flashbacks after reading this one, jack. It gave me goose bumps. So I'm reading in the odd news section of the papers, and my ticker sinks when I read about some stillborn baby in Israel. She came out at 23 weeks and checked in at less than a pound and a half. The doc calls it, they put the kid in the freezer, that's all she wrote, right?

No way, no how. FIVE HOURS after this kid's been put on ice, her parents come to get her to bury her, and they see movement! They get her out. All together, now ... it's a miracle!

This tyke was dead and gone, but The Big Guy hadn't punched her ticket yet. Two things to learn here ... miracles do happen, and there's no such thing as too late. Get your life on track if you haven't yet, baby. Spend more time with your family and pay more attention to your dough. Start makin' a budget, for crying out loud. It ain't gonna kill you.

Parking meter

2008-08-13T05:48:00.000-07:00

This almost sounds like one of those Jeff Foxworthy "you might be a redneck if ..." moments. If you've ever pulled up to a parking meter and paid with a credit card, you might be broke. And plenty of broke is going on in places like the City of Angels, where they're testing out parking meters that take plastic. Pretty pathetic.

What does parking downtown cost in most cities ... like, a quarter or two? Shoot, most joes and jills could find that between the couch cushions. Yet they don't have two nickels to rub together when it comes to carrying cash and need to pay for parking at 18%. What's wrong with this picture, jack?

I'm almost ready to laugh at this one, but I won't. Not having enough change for the meter should alert you to some larger problem, see? If the moolah supply is so low that you don't have coins, maybe you need to make a budget to see where they all go. Simple enough?

Good deeds

2008-08-08T08:23:00.000-07:00

My Boy Scout side popped up this week. I'm not one to toot my own horn, so I'll let my blog do it for me, baby. Seems a friend and his dame are scraping by and have a wee one that's growing like a weed. They're following their Baby Steps and stashing cash away for his college. But they ain't doin' as much as they'd like. That's where yours truly comes in.

A flip of the wrist and a mailing of the check, and I made up the difference of what they sent in versus what they COULD have sent in. I didn't let them know ... they'll get the numbers in their statement soon enough. I love jazz like that.

One more thing, jack. When you help someone, they may not see it ... but The Big Guy will. Do stuff to put a smile on His face, and yours will follow suit. Do you dig?

Financial credit line freeze

2008-08-06T07:54:00.000-07:00

To tell you the truth ... I'm kinda having fun with this jazz, baby. It's one thing if you decide to not borrow more dough; it's another when Morgan Stanley (second largest investment bank in the States) decides to give you a financial credit line freeze and not let you borrow more.

That's right, bub. Some properties have taken such a nose-dive that Morgan Stanley is putting their credit lines on ice. Even the guys doing the lending are getting in trouble from all this, and they're cutting things off until they get a handle on it.

Bear in mind, baby ... don't wait for the money men to tell you that things are tight. Make a budget and check it out. If you've got more going out than coming in, you got problems. If you’ve got a plan, you got a solution. If you've got intensity, you'll have freedom.

Extreme makeover television

2008-07-31T05:48:00.000-07:00

I used to cry when I turned on the Extreme Makeover television show. Some joe or jill is having hard luck or makes some big sacrifice, and whammo! The producers, volunteers and the makeover crew show up and turn shackville into Palace Place, 90210.

Now, some family in Georgia is getting foreclosed on. But here's what steams me the most ... the joint was PAID FOR! They took out a loan for almost half a million smackers to start a business, which went belly-up. Now they got no one to blame but themselves for turning the blessing to a curse.

THAT'S why you don't need to do the debt deal, baby. Not only did it ruin this family, but it got a whole bunch of nice people mad at them. People who donated dough, time and prayers to make sure they'd be all right. Lesson to learn: when you get something good, don't turn it bad. No do-overs here, baby.

2008 Batman movie

2008-07-28T08:20:00.000-07:00

Anybody who knows me knows that I'm a sucker for going to see a moving picture. Apparently, so are about 44 million other joes and jills. The 2008 Batman movie that just came out, "The Dark Knight" has racked up over $314 million since it hit the screen a week and a half ago. But don't get your hopes up ... we're in a recession (*COUGH*).

To me, these numbers mean 1 of 2 things. Either a bunch of people are spending dough they don't have and need a total money makeover, or they're doing all right for themselves and have the cash to blow on food and a flick, which means this "recession" everyone's gabbing about is as legit as Al Gore’s chances of winning the election.

Know what I'm doing this coming weekend, jack ... anything I want! Because I worked, saved and got the cash. Quit belly achin' and start money makin', baby.

Federal minimum wage increase

2008-07-24T05:52:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! YOUR PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED (well, not really). The stiffsuits in DC just pulled a federal minimum wage increase. At the new rate of $6.55, you'll be rolling in the moolah, won't you?

I know what you're thinking, jack. With gas and food costing what they do, a new minimum wage won't mean a hill of beans. Congratulations ... you figured out that Washington ain't gonna solve your money problems. That duty has your name stamped all over it.

Bottom line, baby ... you end up with more dough when you budget what you've got and save what comes in. Think of it like a bucket under a hose. The water is the cash and the bucket is the budget, bub. You ain't gonna have much water left over if there's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza. It'll just keep flowing out. But when you fix the bucket and stop the spending, pretty soon your bucket will overfloweth with dough-eth.

Making another 70 cents an hour doesn't mean squat if you go out and spend 85. Find your calling, work hard, mind the money, don't go into debt. Get promotion for working hard, earn more money and mind it. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Wachovia Bank

2008-07-22T05:53:00.000-07:00

Sorry, but I had to pop this one, jack. Sort of like when the bully in the schoolyard falls in the mud and gets kicked in the head with an iron boot. Looks like Wachovia Bank took an $8.86 billion nose dive in the second quarter of this year and has to help make ends meet by giving 6,350 of its workers the axe.

But wait, there's more. Seems the reason Walk-All-Over-Ya bank got smacked around is because they lost a bunch of dough from bad mortgages ... the kind of loans that are made to joes and jills who don't have any business borrowing money.

Now don't get in a tizzy ... this doesn't mean the market is heading south. This is a case of things getting good and ugly for the bad. Keep deep-sixing your debt and let's cut into their bottom line even more, baby.

Riches to rags

2008-07-18T06:28:00.000-07:00

Forget the falling star ... this joe had a whole solar system behind him when he jumped off the cliff. The name? Scott Storch. The job: big-shot music producer. The story: riches to rags. Storch was living it up a few years ago: the Miami mansion worth 8 figures, more dames than you could shake a gold record at, and recognition as the man who produces the top pop tunes.

Fast forward to 2008; where Storch is being scorched. He's down 500K in back taxes. He hasn't had a hit song since 2005 and the boys in blue have a warrant out to send him to the cooler. You've fallen a long way, baby.

Even though this yahoo has put out as many hits as Vanilla Ice in the last 3 years, he didn't even need to. He had the dough, but he made bad choices and wasn't smart when it came to the green. Just goes to show, joe ... bad decisions can deep-six even the best of 'em.

Odds are, you've got less wiggle room than Mr. Brother-Can-You-Spare-A-Dime here. If being irresponsible will bring him down, imagine what'll happen if you try to buy that new couch or plasma TV without cash. Shivers my timbers, baby. Stay simple when using your money, and stay smart. See you Monday, suckers.